Want to give your system a complete cleanse? Nicole O'Neil checks out the Colon Cleansing Kit, which promises to give your insides a thorough detox, while Laura Simpson tries out the Katie Holmes diet. Find out how they got on.
I’d been looking forward to doing the Colon Cleanse with a mixture of excitement and dread over Christmas. Excitement because not eating for five days and drinking special clay powders which absorb all the toxins in your gut sounds like a thorough internal cleanse to me. (And also because I’d piled on a few extra pounds which were displaying themselves in the form of a pot belly and love handles. Never a good look.)
But I was also feeling nervous because I knew I’d be writing a feature about the experience, and in fairness to Blue Herbs, who kindly let me try their kit, I knew I’d have to do it properly.
Let me make it absolutely clear that I am someone who really loves food. I’d rather eat what I want and exercise a lot, than go on a diet. The idea of not eating – and not having any of the pleasures of ordering take-out or going out to a local restaurant with my other half, would feel just a tad depressing.
Still, needs must so on the Friday before I began the fast, I did as instructed by my Blue Herbs box and cut down my food portions by 25 per cent, drank one toxin absorber and took two digestive stimulators. On the Saturday, I had to cut my portion sizes down by 50 per cent and on the Sunday down to 25 per cent. That day, I decided just to have lunch. During this time I couldn’t eat any dairy, meat or carbs. You might wonder what else there is, but pulses, soups and lentils did the job.
The one thing that the toxin absorbers do – I quickly found out – is bloat you right out. I felt like I’d just eaten a horse after having one, but lots of subsequent strange stomach rumblings made me feel like the absorber was doing its job and bonding to anything in my gut that shouldn’t be there, in order to transport it away.
But it wasn’t until the Monday, when the five-day full-on fast began, that the sacrifice I was about to make seriously began to hit home.
I’m not normally one who fantasises about having chocolate for breakfast, but as I passed Thornton’s at 9am I fancied literally everything in there. During the day, I kept forgetting that I wasn’t meant to eat and started thinking about what I might have for breakfast – and later lunch. A headache, accompanied by nausea, came on during afternoon. I felt like I wanted the detox to be over already.
By Tuesday, me and the toxin absorbers were no longer friends. I was pouring the powders into apple juice (which you’re recommended to do to help disguise the taste), but it was the texture I found hard to swallow.
It seemed a bit like drinking gloopy sand-juice, if you can imagine. But I felt pretty energetic and alive all things considered, although a mild headache (a classic symptom of detoxing) persisted. In the evening I felt surprisingly perky and wasn’t tired at all. I had been warned that often people experience this ‘mini high’ feeling before they crash into a big low – when you go into Proper Detox Mode.
Sure enough by Wednesday, that day had come. I started to feel tired and achy but I managed to have the first toxin absorber of the day, well, most of it anyway. My energy levels were low. I walk into work and realised my walking speed had slowed considerably as more and more people overtook me. I had to make an er, *emergency stop* at Starbucks on the way in. Yes those absorbers and stimulators were definitely working. And after nearly three days without food, you can become surprisingly fascinated by what on earth your body can still expel. But sure enough, the detoxing was still working.
I found myself going through ups and downs, thinking how brilliant it is that I’m cleaning my system and feeling proud – and then not being able to wait for the weekend when I can eat normally again. I was trying with all my might not to fantasise about food. But the occasional thought of marshmallows dipped in melted chocolate, or warm pitta dunked in taramasalata kept flying into my mind. I thought to myself “I must banish these thoughts and think about the brilliant vegetable broth”. It was the one 'food' I could have and has its own detoxifying properties. The reality was, I kept thinking: “I don’t think I’ll ever eat vegetable broth again after this.”
I thought I’d been coping relatively well, all things considered. But I snapped at the boss today, which is never a good idea (sorry Mike). Yup my temper had become very short – and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. Except maybe eat a pizza but that wasn't an option.
On the way home I had to get the bus halfway as I felt totally exhausted – and a bit spaced out. Foolishly, I allowed myself to think about eating a packet of delicious, salty crisps for about ten minutes. It was a mistake, I nearly cheated. When I got home I felt miserable not being able to eat and consoled myself by watching diet programmes. I saw two women trying to get to size zero – doing this kind of thing for five weeks. I knew that I couldn’t ever do that and I felt their pain.
At night I’m usually pretty warm, but during the detox I went to bed wearing a polo shirt, my thickest jumper, my warmest pyjama bottoms and the thickest socks I could find. I was freezing because I didn't have much energy to generate body heat.
Thursday morning: Another symptom of detox is vivid dreams and last night, they came. So (excuse me while I climb on the psychiatrist’s couch) I dreamt that my university friends were organising our annual holiday without me. Maybe I was confronting my paranoia fears or something, but it all felt horribly real.
I found it sooo hard to get out of bed this morning. I felt really heavy and didn’t have much energy to do anything at all. I normally like to fidget and potter in the evenings to keep the house tidy and get ready for a weekend’s relaxation but this week I haven’t been able to lift a finger. I don’t feel like myself. I’m managing to get through work ok as I’m sitting down and drinking hot apple juice all day, but I’m definitely feeling a bit dazed and light-headed. I just kept thinking that tomorrow was going to be the last day and that saw me through. I found myself mentally organising a trip to the supermarket on Saturday, where I planned to be spending a small fortune.
Thursday afternoon: Weirdly, something strange started to happen. Half-way through the afternoon, I started to feel better. By the end of the day I was positively chirpy and a lot more energised. When I got home I started catching up on the chores. By the time I went to bed, the house looked lovely again and I felt like I was back on form!
Friday: Hello world! After an excellent night’s sleep I felt positively, over-excitably amazing. I’ve heard that on day five of a detox people start to feel awesome and I can honestly say, hand-on-heart, it’s absolutely true. I walked to work with renewed energy and vigour. And even though it was pouring down with rain, I felt on top of the world. I can only describe it as a strange combination of absolute serenity and excitement. It could be that it’s Friday today. It could be that I know that this is the last day of my detox and I’m so proud I’ve managed it – and excited about eating normally again – that I can barely contain myself. It could be that I’ve gone delirious.
I got into work and proudly announced how chipper I was feeling to everyone. It’s so weird – I was worried I might feel even more exhausted than yesterday, but something happens to your body at the end of a detox which is truly amazing.
On a spiritual note, this has really made me realise how lucky we are to have so much choice of food available to us. We can go into a supermarket and buy pretty much anything we want, from anywhere in the world. I felt like we have a lot to be really thankful for.
On Friday three separate people told me I looked radiant – and I’ll be honest with you – I felt it. My skin had a real glow about it, I felt like my eyes had more sparkle and (my favourite part) my normally tight jeans were loose. I lost 7lbs all told while doing the Colon Cleanse. And while that wasn’t the point – and of course I’ll quickly put most of that back on when I start eating normally again - it all felt very much worth it in the end.
Many people who are fans of the Colon Cleanse like to do it once or twice a year and do you know what? Despite how hard I found it, the rewards were enough to make me consider doing it again. But maybe next year...
